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【葉玉卿女兒】胡芷欣撰文:金錢買不到快樂

本地
2020.05.15
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撰文:胡芷欣Victoria Wu
胡芷欣在大學主修哲學,明年便畢業,這位漂亮的星二代無意踏足娛圈。
胡芷欣在大學主修哲學,明年便畢業,這位漂亮的星二代無意踏足娛圈。

MONEY DOESN’T BUY HAPPINESS…   Victoria Wu

 

Growing up, my life seemed perfect, I had everything and anything my heart desired. So I had to be happy, right?

Wrong, so wrong. Happiness does not exist on its own, it comes from within.

This is something I have struggled to understand throughout my life. The notion of being happy seemed so simple at first; like many and most 5 year old children, I associated happiness with tangible items, but it came a day where—it wasn’t enough.

My parents spoiled me rotten and at the time it was amazing. Little did I know that the satisfaction and “happiness” I felt would only last for that brief moment before it would dissipate, and I would be left with utter dissatisfaction and disappointment.

All my parents ever wanted for me was to be happy; but as I aged that feeling became more and more distant, till one day it felt nearly impossible.

At age 15 I experienced my first documented depressive episode and was diagnosed with depression. It wasn’t long till I was also diagnosed with general and social anxiety, attachment disorders, OCD, ADD, and ADHD.

I felt like I had failed my parents and broken their hearts, as all their expectations of me turned into disappointment. They had given me the life they never had and it still wasn’t enough.

Most don’t know this, but I was on the verge of not being able to graduate from high school. I saw more doctors and adults than kids my age during my medical leave and was the first in my family to go to college, so had no guidance or understanding of anything. But, being able to get through it all when no one thought I could taught me more than I could ever imagine.

Anxiety had always controlled me. Growing up I thought everyone had these thoughts and worries. Since age 5, I would worry about something terrible happening to my parents every time I wasn’t with them, such as them dying in a car accident. There aren’t words to express the emotional pain and heartbreak I felt every time my mom had to leave my side. It was so unbearable that at age 12 I flew to Hong Kong alone to see her after she had been gone for 3 days. I was afraid of life in every aspect and didn’t even know I wasn’t letting myself live.

While anxiety took over my childhood, depression consumed me once I hit my teenage years. I had always wondered what the point to life was and if there even was one. I felt as if something were missing; I tried filling that void with material goods and relationships, but that only made things worse.

My freshman year of college was hell.

Depression and anxiety was all there was left of me. Not only did it feel like I had lost everyone around me, but I had lost myself and my will to live.

I started to go down a really rough path even though I was getting help for my depression and anxiety. The guilt of not wanting to live and not knowing why killed me. I numbed myself from life and would feel no emotion or everything at once. I thought I was fine, until I ended up in the hospital.

I am not proud that it took multiple near death experiences for me to truly realize the value in life. I am not saying that all my problems disappeared, they are still VERY much real, but they no longer control me. Because now I know that—perspective is everything because perception is reality.

Without the bad there is no good.

The opportunities that come with life’s adversities allowed me to appreciate life again and taught me that: happiness is within your control, it just depends on how you choose to look at life.

Even though I still struggle with depression and have suicidal thoughts at times, I now know that I am the only one in control of my life and have the ability to change it by simply changing my—perspective.

I don’t know what the point of life is and I will always wonder if there truly is one, but for now I know it doesn’t matter because life is not supposed to be perfect, if it were then you wouldn’t be living.

Not only am I happy now, but I can also say that I love life again and that is priceless. In my mind, life is a lot like stocks, you never know when it’s going to go up or down, but you know if you invest wisely it will be worth it in the long run. And that is why—perspective is everything.

這是Victoria找到的兒時照片,她與弟弟和同學把美鈔貼在額前,與爹哋合照,她覺得這照片很搞笑。
這是Victoria找到的兒時照片,她與弟弟和同學把美鈔貼在額前,與爹哋合照,她覺得這照片很搞笑。
Victoria從小到大對父母十分依戀,可說寸步不離,在她七歲那年,卿卿第一次離開她,獨自回港探望母親,當時給Victoria買了一隻貴婦狗Cookie,兩年前愛犬離世。
Victoria從小到大對父母十分依戀,可說寸步不離,在她七歲那年,卿卿第一次離開她,獨自回港探望母親,當時給Victoria買了一隻貴婦狗Cookie,兩年前愛犬離世。
Victoria在胡家的私人飛機上開懷大笑,這是卿卿非常喜歡的照片,她說女兒很少笑得如此盡情。
Victoria在胡家的私人飛機上開懷大笑,這是卿卿非常喜歡的照片,她說女兒很少笑得如此盡情。
Victoria的情緒問題在小時候已出現,但卿卿完全不察覺。
Victoria的情緒問題在小時候已出現,但卿卿完全不察覺。

(胡芷欣所撰原文為英文,中文為本刊翻譯。)

成長以來,我的生活看似很完美,我擁有了內心渴望的一切。所以我應該開心,對嗎?

錯,很錯。快樂並不是單獨存在,它來自內在。

這是我一生中一直難以理解的事情。起初快樂似乎很簡單。像許多五歲的小孩子一樣,我把快樂與有形的物質聯繫在一起,但某天,我發覺這還遠遠不夠。

我的父母把我寵壞了,那真的很奇妙。但我幾乎感受不到滿足和「快樂」,那是短暫的,很快便會消失,這令我感到非常不滿和失望。

爸媽對我唯一的期望,就是要我快樂。但是隨着我逐漸長大,這種感覺卻變得愈來愈遙遠,直到一天,我幾乎感覺不到。

十五歲那年,我經歷了第一次抑鬱症發作,並被診斷出患上抑鬱症。不久之後,我也被診斷出患有社交焦慮,依戀障礙,強迫症,專注力不足和過度活躍症。

我覺得令父母對我所有的期望都變成失望,我傷了他們的心。他們給了我他們從未有過的生活,卻依然並不足夠。

大多數人都不知道,我讀高中時,差點無法畢業。在我放病假的日子裏,我去見醫生和成年人多於見同齡的孩子,加上我是家中第一個上大學的人,因此無法得到任何指導或了解。但是,沒有人想到我可以教導自己,比我想像的多。

焦慮一直困擾着我。長大後,我以為每個人都有這些想法和憂慮。從五歲起,每當父母不是與我一起時,我便會擔心有可怕的事情發生,例如他們死於車禍。沒有任何言語可以表達每當媽媽離開我身邊時,那種痛苦和傷心欲絕的感覺。實在難以忍受,因此在我十二歲,當媽媽離開我三天後,我獨個兒飛往香港找她。在生活上,各方面我都感到害怕,甚至不懂得如何讓自己活下去。

我的童年,被焦慮困擾着我的同時,抑鬱症在我青少年時把我吞噬了。我一直想知道生命的意義是什麼,甚至是否還有生命意義。我感覺好像有些東西丟失了。我試圖用物質和人際關係填補當中的空白,但這只會使情況變得更糟。卻只剩下沮喪和焦慮。

我的大學一年級,恍如地獄一般。

我不僅覺得失去了身邊的所有人,而且迷失了自己和生存的意志。剩下的只有抑鬱和焦慮。

雖然在抑鬱和焦慮方面得到幫助,但我還是走上了一條艱難的道路。那種不知為何不想生存下去的罪疚感,把我吞沒了。我麻木地生活下去,讓一切都不會引起情緒波動。我以為我還好,直到我住進醫院。

近乎死亡的經歷,令我真正明白生命的價值,對此我並不感到自豪。我並不是說我所有的問題都消失了,它們仍然非常真實地存在,但是它們再控制不了我。因為現在我明白到,事情是怎樣,其實一切皆來自你對事物的觀點。

沒有壞就沒有好。

人生的經歷,令我再次體會生命,而且讓我懂得:「快樂在你的掌控之中,這取決於你如何選擇看待生命。」

雖然我仍然在抑鬱症中掙扎,甚至偶然會產生自殺的念頭,但我知道我是唯一可以控制自己生活的人,並且能夠通過簡單地改變自己的視野,從而改變自己的生活。

我也不知道生命的真正意義,甚至它是否真實的存在,但是現在我知道這並不重要,因為生命不應該是完美的,如果生命是完美的,那你就不會為此而活。

我現在不僅快樂,而且我可以說,我再次熱愛生命,那是無價的。在我看來,生活就像股票一樣,你永遠都不知道它的起跌,但是從長遠來看,如果你明智地進行投資,那將會是值得的。正因如此,觀點就是一切。

黃秋生 許志安
人氣 TRENDING
鄭秀文 許志安 黃心穎 蔡一智 馬國明
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